Unfortunately, not even his charm blitzkrieg could sway the British people. Willy even published an article titled “Why I Hate My Uncle,” but by 1939, hating Hitler wasn’t exactly a hot take. William, now accompanied by his mother, moved to the U.S. and held a lecture tour wherein he regaled audiences with his tales of life under Hitler’s horrific regime (he presumably left out all of the nepotism, free lunches, and poonscapades). His mother, meanwhile, had her own tall tales about a young Hitler coming to live with the family for a couple of months, whereupon she introduced him to astrology and, no shit, advised him to cut his mustache short.
When war was finally declared between the U.S. and Germany, William seized one last shot at power and sweet, delicious fame. He wrote to FDR and asked to join the armed forces. Unbelievably, he was accepted, but only after what we can only imagine was the world’s most thorough background check. He served in the U.S. Navy as a hospital corpsman until his discharge in 1947, having been awarded a Purple Heart — which sadly means that Nazis shot more Hitlers than the Allies ever did.
And then Willy disappeared. It wasn’t until 1998 that author David Gardner discovered that he had changed his name to Stuart-Houston, because Hitlers love being the whitest white people possible. With a new name and a clean slate, he married and moved to the sleepy village of Patchogue on Long Island, where he started his own business, a blood testing lab (so not straying too far from the family obsession after all). He also fathered four sons, none of whom had children of their own, thus bringing House Hitler to its quiet conclusion.
William Stuart-Houston / Willy Hitler died peacefully in 1987, having lived the American dream for much longer than he ever rode the Nazi gravy train. We don’t know about you, but we’re kinda coming around to the ballsy, party-happy, self-promoting narcissistic Hitler who tried to blackmail history’s greatest monster and wound up becoming more American than apple pie. More importantly, Willy’s story shows us that ambition isn’t always a good thing. After all, what did the lazy deadbeat Hitler ever do to anyone?
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