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8 stupid things about last night’s ‘American Horror Story’ premiere

Spooky spoilers follow. Beeeeewaaaarrrrreeeeee!

A new season of American Horror Story offers us so much.

It offers another opportunity to get mildly creeped out over bloated horror tropes. It gives us another chance to wonder just how far FX’s censors will allow Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk to take their whims. And it also allows us to shake our head every episode over the dumb, dumb things that happen.

The Season 6 premiere was no different. Sure, the show is taking a unique approach to its storytelling, letting the events unfold in faux-documentary format. And it actually might tie the plot to something semi-historical, the disappearance of the lost Roanoke colony in Virginia. But still, this episode was chock full of silly over-the-top nonsense and promised so much more in the season to come.

Here are the dumbest things that happened last night.

1. The interviews

While it’s kind of an interesting gimmick, to have the show be the dramatization of events and have the ‘actual’ people as talking heads, it takes away a lot of the stakes.

If they are talking about it, then they survived. Which mean’s they’ll be fine. Which means they won’t die. And people should die in American Horror Story.

Hopefully they’re just messing with us and some other nutso stuff will happen,

2. The gang initiation

The pivotal event that sends Shelby and Matt off into their great American journey is a gang initiation which involved going up to a stranger and punching them. It sent Matt to the hospital. And they talk about it a lot throughout the episode.

It is the lamest gang initiation. It’s a punch to the face. It also looks very silly.

Additionally, Shelby describes this as “the worst night of our lives.”

1. You’ve had pretty great lives.

2. That really doesn’t bode well for the season to come of a show called American Horror Story.

3. The Stereotypes

As usual on American Horror Story, the play for ‘ominous characters’ turns into silly stereotypes. The spitting, toothless, undershirt-wearing, dead-eye staring hillbillies were no different.

Welcome back, show!

4. The hot tub

The characters only had to pay $40,000 for this house. It would not have a hot tub. The hot tub would cost a quarter of that.

Did the colonists put in the hot tub? Is that how they all died? Too much hanging out in the jacuzzi without cleaning it?

It was very dumb that they had a hot tub.

5. Yoga

We get it. Shelby likes yoga.

6. Shelby can’t cut carrots

Just look at her try.

That’s not how you cut carrots, Shel.

Drink some more wine.

7. The casting

With Sarah Paulson and Cuba Gooding Jr., the casting of the show can be a little distracting.

Though Paulson has been a longtime, and great, regular, she and Cuba were feature players on the fantastic People v. O.J. Simpson, also on FX.

They’re both very fine actors. But it’s a little strange seeing Marcia Clark boning The Juice.

8. “It’s our home.”

It’s great to hear that after six seasons, the show still hasn’t found a better way to keep people in haunted houses.

While these people should seriously GTFO immediately, Cuba can only say, “It’s our home, Shel. Where else would we go?”

If teeth are raining down, dead pigs are showing up on your doorstep and people are trying to drown you in your hot tub, it’s not a very good excuse.

Can’t wait to watch the next episode!

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