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5 Police Cases That Basically Solved Crimes Using Magic

Everyone knows TV cop dramas are a load of Hollywood hooey. Only in a hacky writer’s imagination could the police solve crimes by, say, pulling fingerprints out of digital photographs that are hyper-enhanced, or performing DNA tests on trees, or- ? Those things really occurred, and we wrote an article about them? Well damn. And as it turns out, those aren’t the only times real time cops utilized techniques that made CSI look restrained and realistic. For instance …

5

Authorities Lured At A Murderer By Leaving A Mannequin From The Middle Of The Sidewalk

The police in Las Vegas aren’t really lenient toward misbehavior as the motto and tourism effort of the city might imply. This is especially true once you make it a habit to murder displaced individuals while they sleep, that was precisely what a few human-shaped turd was doing in early 2017. Following two deaths-by-hammer-bludgeoning were discovered to have happened in the wee hours by getting creative: the LVPD chose to stop any further attacks in a way befitting the land of magic shows and dog acts.

Even the cops wanted to grab the villain at the act, but apparently were unwilling to stand by and watch as yet another homeless person got beaten to death (or to groom a few hapless cadet up as a hobo and plant them as hammer lure). So they did the next best thing: They put a mannequin beneath a blanket as a decoy, and set it up to look like it was sleeping on the sidewalk. The unorthodox tactic paid off when a Shane Schindler approached the polymer-based victim-to-be and “took a hammer out and bashed the mannequin ‘a few times’ on the mind.”

Las Vegas Police Department
The older “it Requires a dummy to grab a dummy” gambit.

Police made the arrest and swooped in, following his prey’s appendages went flying in every direction as Schindler presumably marveled at his own strength.

While clearly this act produced Schindler a prime suspect in the prior murders, police couldn’t prove conclusively that he was the one responsible. So they charged him with carrying a concealed weapon and attempted murder … of a mannequin. Schindler played his cards wisely, if dubiously, when he maintained that he was conscious that it was just a mannequin all along when he chose to pummel it to oblivion. The end result was a plea deal whereby he faces 8-20 years in prison for assaulting a mannequin, but will avoid getting charged with murder. On the other hand, at least we will all be spared the spectacle of a defense lawyer trying to assert that he was only acting on a longstanding grudge against J. Crew displays.

4

Multiple Criminals Are Brought Down By Glitter

Solving crimes with glitter seems just like something that a coked-up TBS executive might come up with during a midseason replacement pitch meeting (something between strippers who combat crime by … afternoon, we suppose?) , but it is a thing that is true. For decades, the stuff was utilized to bring down everything out of rapists to murderers. It is a lot more sophisticated than that, although you’re probably imagining teams armed to criminals with glitter-shooting cannons.

Glitter might look all the same to you as you’re trying to get that shit off your sweater, but there’s reportedly “tremendous variation” in the stuff. Bulk glitter conglomerates could boast of having tens of thousands of different types to decorate your possessions, nether regions, and disgruntled pets as you see fit. Recognizing this, an individual can see how leaving even one fleck behind after committing a foul deed may direct researchers right back to the exact Frederick’s of Hollywood in which you bought your sparkly apple-flavored nipple balm.

FBI
“Looks just like the killer spent considerable time at Ponycon 2017.”
“Another one?”

The earliest recorded instance of glitter being used as trace proof occurred at the conclusion of the Cold War in Germany, once the U.S. Army’s crime laboratory used it to address a sexual assault case during a neighborhood celebration. Glitter from the sufferers’ costumes was found on the clothing of their suspects. The next time, a killer in Alaska was nabbed in part because his estranged wife had dropped glitter in his car at some point, and some of it stuck to his victim. More recently, this method was used to bust a deadly hit and run driver who denied being at the wheel, but had difficulty describing how the exact same decorative glitter she wore on her face wound up plastered to the airbag.

It is yet one more example of how, unless you wrap yourself in cellophane / jacket yourself in lacquer in prep to your malfeasance, there’s definitely going to be something left behind this detectives will capitalize on to ship your silly novelty-toenail-polish-loving ass up the river.

3

A Killer Was Tracked Down Due To A Tiny Piece Of Glass

It is the small things that often end up causing the cleverest crooks to confront the cold light of justice. Case in point: At a scenario straight from the documents of Sesame Street: Special Victims Unit, we deliver you a heinous offense that was solved by the letter “H.”

Back in 1998, Australian Police Sergeant Gary Silk and Senior Constable Rod Miller were staking out a restaurant to put a halt to a string of armed robberies that were strangely called “The Pigout Series.” Silk and Miller succeeded in their target when they pulled over a car that contained the two robbers … only for said robbers to take them down.

The cop killers instantly sped away, leaving few leads to homicide detectives to go on besides a bunch of broken glass. That, as it turned out, was they all needed.

The investigators knew that the glass came from the windshield of their murderers’ automobile, but not the type of car it came out of (or, you know, who was driving it). When among the fragments was found to possess an eensy-weensy letter “H” imprinted on it, they called the neighborhood windshield specialist, who said it likely came out of a Korean automobile — possibly a Hyundai or a Kia. Hmmm, which one is it?

A forensic scientist flew the glass all the way over to South Korea, in which it was learned that it came from the back windscreen of a 1997 Hyundai (*gasp! *) Excel X3. Armed with this information, the police initiated a huge hunt for anyone who had or was now attempting to replace a back Hyundai windscreen (in addition to any Excel X3s that might have a shitty tape and tarp situation where a windshield should be).

This resulted in a young girl who said her father had “broken it at work,” and eventually they had a culprit: a “sexual predator and a thrill killer” named Bandali Debs. He, together with his daughter’s boyfriend (who was believed to be his accomplice, although the signs is a bit shaky), were arrested for the murders of Silk and Miller after additional analysis proved a positive match. As a bonus, 38 robbery instances at The Pigout Series were also removed, and Debs was demonstrated to be a sociopath of this first sequence, as he was later found to be accountable for murdering prostitutes. We have no idea what goofy title that they came up with for all those crimes.

Two

A Finnish Car Thief Gets Convicted By A Mosquito

For most people, mosquitoes are evidence that we are hated by Mother Nature. Would she produce a creature that appears designed to get on our nerves? For police in Finland one bothersome pest that was such became an improbable hero when it helped them crack a case and deliver a joyrider to justice.

When police in a city north of Helsinki discovered an abandoned car on the side of the street, they came to find it had been stolen, but did not have a lot to go on regarding potential suspects. 1 thing was a mosquito at the interior, satisfied from a meal of human blood and looking plump. As Finnish police sergeants seemingly don’t yell at their subordinates for utilizing expensive resources on comparatively minor crimes, the mosquito was delivered to a laboratory for evaluation. A DNA test resulted in a fit for a guy who was already well-known to authorities, who denied being the thief. According to him, he was only a hitchhiker who got picked up by “a guy.” This explanation did not appear to fly.

The offense and/or investigation of this century this wasn’t. But according to the investigator heading up the caper, it was “the first time Finnish police had utilized an insect to address a crime.” He also noted how “It isn’t easy to find a small mosquito in a car, this just shows how comprehensive the crime scene investigation was.” Unless, you know, the guy they arrested really was hitchhiking, and the thief is that the cleverest bug-based supervillain in Scandinavia.

1

Interpol Unscrambled A Photoshopped Pedophile

Many child predators feel a pressing need to share images of their dreadful “work” wide and far, which clashes with their also-pressing need not to be in jail for the remainder of their lives. As a result of technology, they now have the resources to do both those things. All they need to do is cover their own face in the photographs open their favorite image editing software, and share away. Fortunately, law enforcement is growing right along with them, even when they pull such inventive stunts as, um … performing the electronic equivalent of spinning your finger around in some finger paint.

Interpol
Unless we’re working with a brand new Spider-Man villain here named “Captain Swirl Filter.”

It is not an easy task to get it back as simple as changing a picture gear is. This was presumably exactly what the guy in the above image, who would be seen abusing young Asian boys in about 200 web photos, was counting on. What he did not foresee was that the ingenuity of Interpol representatives, who, with German police computer experts’ guidance, managed to unscramble the shirtless selfie to show a face that is somewhat human beneath. As Christopher Neil, a schoolteacher, the man was known within days. It turned out he’d also was employed as a chaplain and youth adviser in Canada before deciding to proceed on the regrettably common Gary Glitter pilgrimage.

Interpol did not reveal precisely how they could unscramble Mr. Whirlyjerk’s face, but they had been happy that it delivered “a very clear message” to net child molesters worldwide. A spokesman for the bureau also reminded any deviant malefactors who might be paying attention that “Strategies are constantly developing. What is impossible today is potential tomorrow.” It is a lesson that we’re convinced Neil will take to heart, now that he is chilling back in Canada after having served only five years for multiple cases of “sexual harassment behaviour against both pre and early pubescent boys.” Which seems to show that un-whirling photographs isn’t the sole “technique” that needs developing.

E. Reid Ross is the author of “Nature Is The Worst: 500 Reasons You Will Never Want To Go Out Again,” which is in stores now and available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

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