5 Gloriously Stupid Times Video Games Tried To Sell You Crap

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Video game companies employ hundreds of artists, designers, and authors feel as though they are a giant-breasted treasure hunter at a fully realized world class or an bandicoot. But that world can come undone in a minute when a game turns from the world into a crass ad for products. For example …


Uncharted Reminds Us That Actual Adventurers Eat Fresh And Keep In Touch With Sony!

Have you ever watched Uncharted‘s Nathan Drake creep through a French chateau and wondered how he manages to maintain his ass so finger-snappingly tight?

Sony Interactive Entertainment
Sand can’t even squeeze through these tight cheeks. Mmm!

Well, it’s the same secret that enabled Jared Fogle cut down to his pedophilia burden.

Sony Interactive Entertainment
Attempt the newest Dune Diarrhea Dew! Only 870 grams of sugar per serving, and nearly one serving at a cup!

That’s correct, Drake got his buns. Uncharted 3 partnered with all the favorite soggy-meat factory and seafood salad preservation society to market the game’s multiplayer mode. If you bought one foot of sandwich together with a heart-clogging 30 ounce soda, you have to play with a month of Uncharted 3 multiplayer. It was a fairly standard sweepstakes, but it got weird when you played with the game itself.

You realize that your avatar had a lot of customization options that are Subway-inspired after you had the match on your mayo-soaked palms. These included items like T-shirts, but also a eccentric “five-dollar footlong” taunt, that was less an insult and more an educational analysis of exactly how much the sandwich in query would price and its approximate dimensions. Assuming Subway wasn’t illegally short-subbing youpersonally, of course. Can you imagine the very last thing that you see before you die is these performing a sandwich firm for you, and someone snapping your neck?

Sony Interactive Entertainment
What better way to market than with a 12-year-old screaming racial slurs and killing you?

Fast-forward to Uncharted 4, in which Nate does what all good heroes do: He calls his wife to lie to her. For a good five seconds, the camera stays in that scene on a vibrating Sony cellphone, sitting face-down together with all the high quality Sony emblem in centre frame.

Later on, smartphones play a part as Nate utilizes his and send photographs. And what would he use but the dependable screen of a SONY.

The protagonist only finds the clue because he hacks on these stylish but Sony phones. To make sure this type of thing never happens again, Nate smashes against his to departure. Which is a strange turn. Sony telephones: great for lying to your spouse and now easier to destroy than ever before!


Final Fantasy XV Wants You To Buy Cheap Noodles And Expensive Dresses

The Final Fantasy games are no strangers to whoring their characters to third parties to market stuff. FFVII‘s Cloud flogged outdated phones, XII‘s Lightning became a supermodel for Louis Vuitton, also Snow inexplicably erased a human driver from a Nissan and took his place. But the most recent Final Fantasy installment, XV, took this to new heights by featuring product positioning in the match itself.

The sport has a bizarre fixation on cooking, and you often stop what you’re doing to purchase or forage for components to make hearty complex meals for party stat bonuses. When you first see Cup Noodles appear, it’s not very jarring. Final Fantasy contains dragons, guns, cars, and the world gets bathed in lasers and fire each time somebody summons an Esper. Finding out they have the identical food as us is not crazy.

But when your teammate straight up provides you a sales pitch about how Cup Noodles are, it’s clear your adventure is being chased by a commercial. Actual quote: “Then, if you choose something already yummy, like Cup Noodles, and put in at the best, freshest ingredients, what do you get? The greatest taste experience!”

What began as a subtly placed advertisement gets pulled kicking and yelling before your face. This is a side quest, with everything and experience. If you watch the movie, you’re probably thinking, “Man, voice acting in games is still horrible and devoid of emotion.” Well, which has been intentional. The voice actors were aware of what clear shills they were being, so they recorded a version . Along with the game still used that take. It instantly became one of the worst moments in Square voice acting background, which will be saying something.

So hunks endorse noodles, chefs say it can’t be beaten, and they provide you and your fellow coeurl fighters a stat boost. Those would be claims. But in a universe in which each idea from 35 different games coexist, they are much more absurd.

But as it seems, as stereotypical, selling players noodles makes a kind of sense. The two have gone hand in hand for years. But you know what does not? Video designer gowns and games. The Venn diagram of Final Fantasy fans and luxury designer feminine clothes is probably nothing but Emma Stone bragging about how big of a nerd she is during a press junket. When you arrive on your fiancee’s town, you get her wedding dress to be looked at by a side quest. It’s weird, but so is everything in this game. When you finally discover the dress, there is some subtle product placement. Can you spot it?

This game comprised a complete shot at a Vivienne Westwood shop, with NPCs. Incidentally, the storyline is about an fascist military armed forces with robots and creatures that are currently murdering the witches and daylight. Your teammate is nice with it. He joins in to the wedding dress advertisement and says, “Everybody looks so pleased. And it’s all because of this 1 dress.” Who writes nonsense? The apparel is the one thing? No wait. A world descending into catastrophe, and the only thing anyone cares about is a star wedding? We take it back, which is the most realistic thing in gambling history.


Fight Night 3 Plastered Burger King Everywhere

Throughout history, corporate advertisements and sports have always gone together like anti-depressants and visiting your in-laws . Boxing isn’t any different. In order to make certain they profit beating the shit out of each other, arenas will be plastered by firms with logos and advertisements. It can sometimes be distracting that it’s a wonder boxers continue to be allowed to drink water between rounds and not plunge into a refreshing pool of Crystal Light.

With that in mind, you may not think much of Fight Night Round 3 comprising Burger King logos directly in the middle of the boxing ring. It’s odd for boxing to market something which would squirt out of every hole in your body after eating it if you’re punched, but it’s not insane. When the game provides you the choice of being trained by the Burger King, where it gets insane is. Not just a dude wearing a Burger King hat; the supernatural mascot that sneaks into people’s bedrooms to provide them hamburgers they didn’t ask for. And you are walked by all eight feet of him down. It’s a nightmare.

On top of that, players may snag a massive 100 Gamerpoints merely for participating in a Burger King event, where the player will probably be siphoned furiously by Burger King advertisements like they are a slab of exercise meat at Rocky’s freezer. You do not need to make any effort or something, you simply have to appear (coincidentally, that is Burger King’s slogan). Normally those type of things are reserved for extremely hard accomplishments — like at Gears Of War 3, in which the 100-point achievement required you to leave your loved ones and play just Gears Of War 3 for the rest of your life. Why not create it 150 points if they send everyone on their friends set a personal message which says, “I shall die of cancer should youn’t eat a Whopper! Get it away! Thanks!”


Battlefield 2142 Wants To Sell You Ghost Rider On DVD, Blu-ray, And PSP

When there is a match put in the ruins of 2142, it’s weird to market the lukewarmest DVD release of the summer from 135 years ago. But that’s exactly what occurred in Battlefield 2142. Amid the ruinous war zones, you could encounter immaculate advertisements for the 84th most acclaimed film of Nicolas Cage.

Other film billboards along with this have survived the cataclysmic ice age of the game to spread across the globe. Whether youtrudging through Northern France or’re invading the Arabian Peninsula, century-old DVDs will be promoted to you. Maybe companies were trying to shift their inventory before atomic Armageddon upset the stock exchange, or perhaps home DVD libraries enjoyed a resurgence among the hipster armies of this year 2142 AD — or since they probably call it, 135 AGR (“After Ghost Rider“).

A advertising system from the sport supposed these billboards would upgrade from time to time, so inside the world of the game, it was like they were in active use, but just to market ancient relics, and certainly preserved by sorcerers. It’s a world with scarce water and food, the atmosphere is 7 percent thing, and someone still manages to swap out the wasteland billboards for 0-era movies like I Am Legend.

The match’s military could be interested in buying DVDs to keep the troops entertained, but a lot of these (notably Doomsday and I Am Legend) are of the postwar genre. Why would a soldier who’s stuck in a harrowing post-apocalyptic setting want the opposite of escapism? EA insisted that the system supplied a “realistic” and “contextually relevant” brand existence. This seems believable until your mechastrider crashs to a newly billboard to get a gaming PC manufactured over a century ago.


Metal Gear Solid Thinks Murderers Are Great Designer Eyewear Spokesmen

The Metal Gear Solid games also have a long legacy of product positioning, what with 3‘s noodles, 4‘s iPod, Peace Walker‘s anachronistic Mountain Dew and Doritos, or Twin Snakes literally using Mario and Yoshi’s asses center-frame. And who will forget that MGS2 has been an protracted ad for this awesome idea to get a ninja, just cyber, named Raiden.

In Metal Gear Solid 5, this shameless trend continued. After getting chased with a giant flying whale a unicorn, along with a child and escaping a hospital, the game sends you to rescue Kazuhira Miller, your second-in-command. Kaz has trademark aviator glasses, so you grab a set for him, before going out. It’s the Sort of adorable self-reference Metal Gear is known for, and it gets instantly ruined because the glasses have their own credits:

Had it have just been “Kaz’s Aviators,” then that may be chalked up to MGS‘s patented wackiness. Which it kind of does, but that is from the little font under the a lot more obvious “J.F. Rey Eyewear.” But if you’re going to get “adorable reference” along with your audience thinks, “Wait, is this a commercial? Is J.F. Rey a character I forgot about? It probably stands for Justice Fox Rey. Is Solid Snake likely to end up being Justice Fox this time? I should probably draw Justice Fox fucking Sonic the Hedgehog.”

It ends up J.F. Rey is your new choice for show creator Hideo Kojima. He and J.F. awakened to market glasses while making among the very feature-intensive video games in human history. It comes up a couple more times also, like in this scene, in which Revolver Ocelot is sporting a set that end up missing “cool” and landing squarely in “grandma coming back from the eye doctor.”

Really, movie game designer and sunglasses salesman’s fantasy team came up with both people mentioned — six trademark colors in complete and four which would have worn. Not all of them ended up in the match, probably because Kojima parted ways until he completed his vision. Presumably, if he had his way, there would have been a three-hour assignment during which Kaz and Ocelot try on different sunglasses, every sillier than the past, till they find the perfect pair!

It’s extra inappropriate in this particular game, although it inappropriate to discontinue an infiltration mission to pose for glamour shots. These aren’t “good men.” The sport is all about man’s slow descent into villainy. Human lives are cogs in a military industrial complex that will eventually grind us all into blood. Snake hides weapons and kills tens of thousands of guys. Kaz is warped by torture that he is made out of hate. And Ocelot’s favorite two items are shooting at torture and people. They represent men’s weakness and evil! So, children, purchase their colors?

Jordan Breeding additionally writes officially for Paste Magazine, unofficially about the Twitter, also is trained solely from the Burger King.

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